Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Functionalist: The glass is at 50% capacity.
Epicurean: Refill my glass!
Theist: God made the glass half full. It was part of His plan.
Atheist: Due either to evaporation or consumption, the content of the glass has been reduced. Repeat experiment.
Stoic: It is important to remain calm when glasses loose their fill.
Socratic: Is it the ideal for the glass in its form to be half full?
Aristotelian: Why is everyone going on about this? IT’S JUST A FUCKING GLASS!