Previously, on the Missing history of Descartes
– Descartes beat a dog to cheer him up after a savage hangover; only to see a dark and eldritch spectre flitter over the roofs of the houses nearby. Descartes moved in pursuit of the foul creature, only to realise that the tables were to quickly turn on him once darkness befell the city. Descartes hits up his old contacts from when he was a spy for the Jesuits, and is now patiently awaiting their arrival at his lodgings.
And now; back to our story…
14 July 1620 9:00 pm – The room’s crowded. Descartes had only ever furnished the room with a bed, a writing desk and a small wooden stool. The seven armed men are awkwardly milling around, as there is no place to sit. The eighth man joins the group, announced by the servant who called on the houses of the other men before. Descartes sends the servant down to the cellar to fetch some ale for the assembled men before dismissing him. If Descartes guess about the creature is right, they’ll need a hearty drink as they work a plan to defeat the menace.
15 July 1620 1:00 am – Descartes was right about these men. They took the news like men. They were manly in their man like mannish deliberations that were meaningful in a manlike-man way. They all agree: shit’s probably a daemon or something. It’s serious business, but it’s probably best just to let sleeping dogs lie, and let the daemon get on with the job. It’d probably eat some Bohemians, drop the local crime rate a bit and improve the housing market before moving on. Besides, last thing they want is for word to get around that there’s a daemon in the city and for a bunch of teenager idiots idolising the creature. Talk moves away from the daemon and onto women, sports and flowers; namely tulips. One of the men has recently gone through a divorce and is now crying. Someone produces a tab of acid. Descartes slams it like a boss.
17 July 1620 2:15 pm – Descartes wakes up. Naked. In a bathtub. Missing a kidney. He reminds himself that, all things considered, this isn’t the worst trip he’s been on. He gets out of the bathtub and is confronted by an old maid who only speaks Russian. The farmhand outside also only speaks Russian. Descartes gives up trying to communicate with the pair and instead follows a well worn road away from the farmstead and towards a settlement. Upon arrival Descartes discovers that the local townsfolk also only speak Russian. Descartes now understands why certain elements of the French populace are against immigration. Really, these eastern europeans could at least try and learn to speak the local language.
17 July 1620 4:00 pm – Descartes learns from a man who speaks in broken French that he is in Russia. Descartes stalks away in a huff. It’s not bad enough that these damn immigrants take French jobs and steal French women, but now they claim that this is their country.
17 July 1620 6:15 pm – After eating a hearty borsch, drinking several pints of vodka, and speaking to the locals with the aid of his newfound translator with terrible French, Descartes acknowledges that it is indeed possible that maybe, just maybe, he may have possibly ended up in Russia. Descartes revises his earlier statement as he nurses the weeping jagged wound where his kidney used to be: this IS the worst acid trip he’s ever been on. Descartes makes a mental note to never use drugs, ever again. Ever.
17 July 1620 6:16 pm – Descartes begins utilising algorithms, and spatial mathematics to determine how it is at all possible that he ended up on the other side of Europe in three short days – and more importantly, how he can get back to France in a quicker amount of time. During his work Descartes determines two key principles of physics, that will later be claimed by Newton as an invention of his in the three laws of physics, and also discovers a system of coordinates that can orientate himself separate to the environment around him. He calls these ‘Cartesian Co-ordinates.’
18 July 1620 9:00 am – Descartes utilises his military engineering skills to develop a rapid transportation device to get him back to France. However, tests regarding gravitational acceleration have proven unsuccessful as has been shown by his experiments that involve throwing cats out of a window. Descartes acknowledges that he may never be able to leave Russia.
18 July 1620 9:45 am – Descartes notices several people milling around the town square that are dressed oddly – well, more oddly than the local Russians are. Assuming them to be other foreigners who may be leaving shortly Descartes goes to investigate and enquire if they are passing back through France.
18 July 1620 9:47 am – Descartes learns that the oddly dressed people are humans that come from another dimension. They repeatedly refer to the current environment as a ‘computer simulation,’ and suggest to Descartes that he should leave with them. Descartes writes down the conversation that follows:
EDITORS NOTE: What follows next is a direct transcript of the conversation that Descartes wrote down in his journal at a later date. The following extract is a true and accurate copy.
Morpheus: ‘Nothing you see here is real.’
Descartes: ‘Wow, you sound just like me when I’m doing acid.’
Morpheus: ‘No, seriously, nothing here is real, it’s just a simulation.’
Descartes: ‘Yep, totally what I say when I’m tripping balls. Speaking of, you got anything on you?’
Morpheus: ‘Excuse me?’
Descartes: ‘Anything that alters perception at all? I’ve been stuck in Russia now for almost 24 hours. I could do with a mind altering experience.’
Morpheus: ‘I can give you one of two pills. The red pill will reveal to you the truth of your existence and will take you to places far away from here.’
Descartes: ‘Wow, great, will it take me back to France?’
Descartes: ‘Right. Well, it will get me out of Russia though? Right?’
Morpheus: ‘Bloody oath it will.’
Discourse: ‘Right, cool. What does the blue pill do?’
Morpheus: ‘Huh? Oh, the blue pill? It does bugger all actually. It’s just a placebo we give to idiots who want to feel a bit cray cray.’
Descartes: ‘Sweet man, well then, red it is. Let’s do this.’