The meditations of Joe Hockey

Editorial Note: The Independent Philosopher prides itself on remaining politically neutral. That being said, on occasion, a politician will rise above the ranks, and demonstrate an innate wisdom so deep that we record their aphorisms for the common man to digest. Our seasoned reporter Jack Lonsdale recently sat down with Joe Hockey to pen some of his greatest philosophical principles for you to think about. From this cutting edge research, we have been able to collect together…

The Meditations of Joe Hockey

On Starving

‘Have you ever thought about NOT starving? I mean, as an idea. You know how you’re hungry right? Well, I want you to do the opposite of that. As my hero Marie Antoinette – a political visionary said ‘Let them eat cake’. Give it a crack. I think it’ll work wonders.’

On Being Poor

‘You know how you don’t have any money yeah? Well, this lack of money is the thing that’s making you poor. Now, I believe in curing the disease, and not the symptom, so here’s what I think you should do: stop having no money. I reckon that’ll solve all your problems.’

On the Meaning of Life

‘That is an operational matter and I cannot discuss it.’

On Being Rich

‘This! Do this! Do this rich thing! That’s the thing to do! If you’ve got a fifty dollar bill put your hand up! AMIRIGHT? #yolo’

On Tax Benefits (for some)

‘I believe in a hand up, not a hand out. If you’re not a maker, then you’re a faker. If you’re not a hero, then you’re a zero. If you’re got no money, take your broke ass home, because I don’t want no scrubs! So quit hanging on the passenger’s side of your best friend’s ride. I’m tired of you hollering at me. You reading me girlfriend? Yes, yes I am talking to you, guy in an iron lung without any arms or legs. Get some money you broke looser.’

On Tax Benefits (for others)

‘Property investors, mining magnates, and kids who go to private schools are all minorities. We must do more for these poor minorities, by giving them the financial help they need.’

On Balancing a Budget

‘Okay, just keep this between you and me okay? The reason I say this is because balancing a budget is something of an operational matter, but, yeah I trust you, so keeping this on the Q.T., here’s what I think you should do: why don’t you try spending less money on cigarettes and beer? That’s what we did with the Federal Budget. We just cut down on all the cigarettes and beer spending. The result? The budget looks really good now, and nothing bad ever happened to the Federal Budget ever again. Ever.’

On Buying a House

‘So, you want to buy a house? Simple. Here’s what I need you to do: get a job that pays well.’

On Education

‘I would believe in teaching a man how to fish, but that would mean that I would also have to believe in providing an education, which I cannot do because that is an operational matter.’

Jack Lonsdale

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